Saturday, March 14, 2009


What the heck is a blog suppose to be? Is it a diary that I bare my soul to, purely for the cathartic value of talking about my problems...a cyber, psychiatric couch? Is it to entertain friends and family? That would bring in the question, which friends and what family? They would be entertained so differently, by such different fodder. I guess that is an indictment on my soul, that I am a different person to different people and never the twain shall meet. I once gave the sage advice to my son, "just be yourself". The quizzical look and cavalier response he gave me indicated that he already understood that we all live multiple lives...maybe not all of us. I really think that the Jesus that was preaching the sermon on the mount was probably the same Jesus when he was just kickin' it with his homies. I also guess that others have done a pretty good job of maintaining a single identity with some minor dalliance into schizoidville. So it is a fault that I am about to reveal. Drum roll please. I am different at work....I am different with family...I am different at church...and at 3 o'clock in the morning lying in bed, contemplating my own mortality or any of a thousand terrible things that could happen to one of my kids...I am different. Now the one that really twists my head into knots. Which one am I when I talk about all the "me's" that I am? If that is not a tough enough question...which of my worlds am I admitting all of this to? I don't know.

We went to the movie Watchmen last night. I feel an obligation to tell everyone I know that they lied to us. All of us were victims of this lie. The previews made it look like, just another superhero movie. It is not. It is dark and visceral and carnal. There is so much of this that even the work "me" would think that it should be rated NC-17. Now the work "me" also thought it was a powerful movie that evoked emotion and made me have to think to keep up. Don't tell the family or folks at church that I said that. Truth is that the work "me" sees a lot worse than that on a normal day at the office. I and the people I work with see so much of this that we have to be different people around the ones we love. When I see someone from work out with their family, we look at each other as if we are under cover. We don't want to spoil what is good with thoughts of the multiple fatality wreck we worked together the day before, or the suicide that the asshole let his children find. We just say hi and with a knowing glance acknowledge to each other that we thank God everyday that we have another life to escape into when work is done.
No matter how hard I try this morning I can't manage to keep it light. I'm going to eat my Honey Nut Cheerios with bananas on top and maybe watch a cartoon. That usually does it.
Bye for now.

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