Monday, February 22, 2010


To be sleepless because of the pain, or because of the pain killer…what an easy choice. However, I’m sleepless none the less.

We got a chance to catch up with old friends on two occasions this weekend. I made a decision early in the week to stop feeling guilty about my neglected relationships and start doing something about it. It really wasn’t that hard. I said, “why don’t ya’ll come over?” on one occasion and just dropped by someone’s house on another. These are things I grew up watching my parents do as a way of life. I, however, had chosen to just come home and “vegge” out in front of the TV every night and not reach out. This resulted in guilt and lost contact. These are people that I have always considered very close friends but had not visited with in a long, long time. Why do that? I suddenly realize that putting together a cognizant thought is so much more difficult after having chosen painkiller over pain. In a way my choice to visit this weekend was choosing pain over painkiller. Not that it was painful to visit but it had become an escape to watch tv and go through the motions. It required no effort at all. It asked nothing of me, no thought or decision or revelation of my feelings. It was plugging into the matrix and being numb. I didn’t really even realize that I had done it until now. When we told our son that we were having people over Friday night he acted like we had chosen the red pill. He said he was so glad that we were doing this and how good it would be for us, as if we had become hermits or something. I didn’t realize it at the time but I guess I was acting like one. At least I still felt guilty about ignoring my friendships. So now I resolve to living more and vegging less. I have resolved before and found my resolve to be lacking. Usually every January it is an obvious attempt but other times also. I find myself trying to fix shortcomings, being temporarily successful, and then failing. There are times when it seems so much easier not to try so that I won’t feel guilty for failing. I am sure others feel that way but surely they don’t fail as much as I do. None the less, it was nice to catch up and visit. Once again I’m feeling a little foggy so I will try to go back to sleep…or vegge in front of the TV. I am Beef…and these, I guess, are my tips.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Tired of the Cold

I don't recall ever being so ready for a new season. As a youngster every season held it's own excitement and wonder. During the fall there was always football practice and school. The winter held holidays and the frequent, weather related, no school. Spring was anticipation of school being out and nice weather. Summer...well...summer was freedom. Later as a parent I experienced all of these feelings vicariously through our children. With the exception of the snow day...not so much here in Texas. It was all fun and something was always going on. Now that we have an empty nest, most of my recreation revolves around golf. I rarely let the weather stop me from getting in two or three rounds a week but sometimes it's just a beating. When it's cold and wet and windy and every well hit shot deposits that little speck of mud into your's just not fun. Also, when the conditions are their worst, I'm usually playing alone, because really..who else would be playing golf in that kind of weather? I have had enough unplayable days this winter to re-grip three sets of irons and replace the spikes in 2 pairs of golf shoes. I can't tell you how many times I've cleaned clubs and re-organized the golf bag. So this year I am very ready for spring. Playing in short sleeves, hitting drives that chase down the fairway instead of plugging, playing in foursomes, it all sounds so far away when it is February 4th. I know that I have fewer winters in front of me than behind. I know that everyday is a gift to be cherished. So I will enjoy these days in front of the fireplace and be thankful for the occasional sunny day. I know that spring is coming and this year I get to meet my new grand-daughter. I have to keep my game in shape because I know that in a few short years, she will be out driving me.'s bedtime. I will dream of bright green fairways and brilliant white golf balls engulfed in the laughter and giggles of a little girl named Laila and the emotions will warm my cold bones. I'm Beef and these are my tips.