Monday, February 22, 2010


To be sleepless because of the pain, or because of the pain killer…what an easy choice. However, I’m sleepless none the less.

We got a chance to catch up with old friends on two occasions this weekend. I made a decision early in the week to stop feeling guilty about my neglected relationships and start doing something about it. It really wasn’t that hard. I said, “why don’t ya’ll come over?” on one occasion and just dropped by someone’s house on another. These are things I grew up watching my parents do as a way of life. I, however, had chosen to just come home and “vegge” out in front of the TV every night and not reach out. This resulted in guilt and lost contact. These are people that I have always considered very close friends but had not visited with in a long, long time. Why do that? I suddenly realize that putting together a cognizant thought is so much more difficult after having chosen painkiller over pain. In a way my choice to visit this weekend was choosing pain over painkiller. Not that it was painful to visit but it had become an escape to watch tv and go through the motions. It required no effort at all. It asked nothing of me, no thought or decision or revelation of my feelings. It was plugging into the matrix and being numb. I didn’t really even realize that I had done it until now. When we told our son that we were having people over Friday night he acted like we had chosen the red pill. He said he was so glad that we were doing this and how good it would be for us, as if we had become hermits or something. I didn’t realize it at the time but I guess I was acting like one. At least I still felt guilty about ignoring my friendships. So now I resolve to living more and vegging less. I have resolved before and found my resolve to be lacking. Usually every January it is an obvious attempt but other times also. I find myself trying to fix shortcomings, being temporarily successful, and then failing. There are times when it seems so much easier not to try so that I won’t feel guilty for failing. I am sure others feel that way but surely they don’t fail as much as I do. None the less, it was nice to catch up and visit. Once again I’m feeling a little foggy so I will try to go back to sleep…or vegge in front of the TV. I am Beef…and these, I guess, are my tips.

1 comment:

  1. Good post, Daddy, and great thoughts. It's the concept of loving and losing... "Better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all" doesn't always FEEL true. I mean, I am utterly grateful that I've never had to endure the tragic loss of someone I love but I believe the concept is about vulnerability. If I choose to love, choose to be vulnerable, choose to give of myself, there is a chance that I'll be hurt, misunderstood and/or heartbroken in the process. But, somewhere along the way, I've decided that the reward is worth the risk. I feel a little bit this way about Laila... I am SO in love with this little girl. I have given her my heart completely and she has the absolute power to break it but, even if she did, even if the thousands of "what ifs" were to occur, I would still choose to make myself vulnerable to her in this way. What a scary way to live, so completely on the edge. What a risk love is! And, yet, I would choose no other way.

    And, while I'm here, I'm beginning to understand the way that you and Mom love Clay and I; this way, abandoned and without condition and you've made yourself completely at risk with us. Thank you. You've taught me to do the same. I love you, Papa Bear.